run then fall

"If I could just write the words down," I thought to myself. Writing: the cure all.

NOT SO MUCH, not today.

Do you ever have those days where you want to write everything down....every little thought, feeling, daydream or occurrence? Today was one of those days. Everything was in slow motion. I felt like Alice, chasing the rabbit, except it wasn't a rabbit at all; it was me. I'm trying to catch myself, running as fast as I can, but it's all in slow-mo. I know that may not make sense, but when I close my eyes and visualize that, it's way too clear. It's almost as frustrating as the falling dream.

And suddenly....the words come.

I'm the queen of losing people lately. It's been a curse since November; one that I can't seem to shake. I must be wearing a repellent that works like no other, because I can't hang on to anyone. I'm selfish and inconsiderate. I'm all about myself. I'm in desperate need of fixing. The slow-mo thing....totally predictable too. It's like I can see it all happening just seconds before the glass shatters into thousands of minuscule pieces on the floor; a number so large that reconstruction doesn't seem possible.

It's all such a blur behind these watery eyes I have. RIDICULOUS.

I'm such a Debbie Downer today, I realize.
But today, Debbie is sweeter than TiffanyJo.

I miss him.
I miss her.
And her.
And him....mostly him.